Tired

All i wanted to do today is crawl under a blanket and sleep. I did sleep for 3 hours while Gavin napped, but since i cant sleep at night...Anyways, i am struggling today. I am tired of planning, organizing, calling doctors, answering questions, scheduling, rescheduling, phone calls, emails, bla bla bla. It makes Chicago look so inviting. I didn't have time to even talk with Travis tonight, but i am having abdominal pains (fullness) and it scares me. To this point i haven't felt sick, but i am loosing my appetite and feel like the cancer is taking over my body. I feel so out of control and telling people just makes it worse. Everyone wants me to do what they think is the best thing and it drives me crazy. Do they think I'm a dip shit??? It is so exhausting and i feel so lonely, like i am doing this on my own. Don't get me wrong Travis is amazing and he is just as scared as i am, but the more we look at trials the more real my mortality gets. I know modern medicine is just trial and error, but these trial use placebos. I cant risk that and nothing else seems to work. I am so anxious to get to Chicago and see what they say (we leave a week from today), but in the mean time i am freaking out. I am trying to hold it together for the kids, but Gavin isn't himself and Sammy tries so hard to keep up her "happy face." I feel so much guilt when it comes to my lack of motherly duties.

I just needed Travis to tell me everything will be okay, but he got home late and we never got a chance to talk. He mistakes my sadness for "bad moods" since i am not very good at expressing myself. If i could only buy a new body with all the money you have donated things would be so much easier.

I have a CT scan and MRI of the Brain in the morning to be sure it hasn't spread to new places, but wont hear for days. Lucky me, wait, wait, wait!

Laura