Thursday, April 30, 2009


All i wanted to do today is crawl under a blanket and sleep. I did sleep for 3 hours while Gavin napped, but since i cant sleep at night...Anyways, i am struggling today. I am tired of planning, organizing, calling doctors, answering questions, scheduling, rescheduling, phone calls, emails, bla bla bla. It makes Chicago look so inviting. I didn't have time to even talk with Travis tonight, but i am having abdominal pains (fullness) and it scares me. To this point i haven't felt sick, but i am loosing my appetite and feel like the cancer is taking over my body. I feel so out of control and telling people just makes it worse. Everyone wants me to do what they think is the best thing and it drives me crazy. Do they think I'm a dip shit??? It is so exhausting and i feel so lonely, like i am doing this on my own. Don't get me wrong Travis is amazing and he is just as scared as i am, but the more we look at trials the more real my mortality gets. I know modern medicine is just trial and error, but these trial use placebos. I cant risk that and nothing else seems to work. I am so anxious to get to Chicago and see what they say (we leave a week from today), but in the mean time i am freaking out. I am trying to hold it together for the kids, but Gavin isn't himself and Sammy tries so hard to keep up her "happy face." I feel so much guilt when it comes to my lack of motherly duties.

I just needed Travis to tell me everything will be okay, but he got home late and we never got a chance to talk. He mistakes my sadness for "bad moods" since i am not very good at expressing myself. If i could only buy a new body with all the money you have donated things would be so much easier.

I have a CT scan and MRI of the Brain in the morning to be sure it hasn't spread to new places, but wont hear for days. Lucky me, wait, wait, wait!


Monday, April 27, 2009

Wow, what a weekend

Let me start by thanking ALL the Crofts and Davis Family for hosting this AWESOME event. It was WAY better than Travis and i could have ever dreamed. We want to thank the 360 runners who came out and participated, the friends and family who were with us Saturday night and everyone else who couldn't make it for all their love, support, and kind words. We raised $7,000 at the race, $4,700 Saturday night, and the rest were from donations with a grand total of $40,000. Not to mention more keeps coming in. Can you even believe it? My husband doesn't show emotions that often, but I think this news brought the entire place to tears. I cant tell you how many people came up to us and said "you don't know me, but ..." I even had a woman who only heard about me thru the paper and wanted to offer her help with airline tickets to get us to Chicago. We are so blessed to have such incredible friends, loving families and a community who really cares. We have a thousand pictures that we will post on a website soon for all to see and there should be another article about Saturday in the Sandy Springs Reporter. I will post the website address when it comes out. Thank you all so so much and as Sammy said, "mommy i cant believe all these people are here for us, I feel like a princess"

One last thing, we got some bad news Friday that my meds are now not working. We are back for more tests (Brain scan, CT scan, ECO) and a trip to Chicago sooner than we had planned. My doctor here doesn't like what she is seeing because i am "blowing" thru all the meds to fast. They all seem to work in the beginning, but my cancer is out smarting the meds faster than she ever imagined. We saw another doctor this morning for a possible trial that might be a great fit for me. We will keep you all posted, if you could all just keep up the prayers.

Love you all,

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

No new news

Sorry i haven't posted in sometime, but nothing is new health wise. My toes are better but still ugly as hockey sticks, i am acclimating to my meds, still have good and bad days, get tired of taking 40 pills a day, my skin is still falling off my feet, my fingers still split, still get nauseous and cant sleep that well, have very little energy, my hemoglobin is low, getting fatter by the second, meds still making me crave sugar, face breaks out for no reason, my nose has weird crusties (same as i had with last meds), have wonderful friends, and amazing husband, and the cutest kids ever. So life isn't so bad.

My friends Laura and Gavin were in town this weekend so the two Gavin's, the two Laura's, and Travis and Sammy all had fun playing. We ate our way thru Atlanta since it didn't stop raining, but had so much fun. I even had a Margarita or two. It was the first drink since November since i am not suppose to tax my liver. Thanks for coming guys. Hope to see you in October.

We are off to the mountains this weekend for sum much need rest and time with "vacation Trav"

Will try to post more often, sorry