Today is not a good day. I feel so freakin isolated i want to scream. I don't even know who or what i am anymore. I have no energy to do anything. Eating isn't even fun since it just makes me run to the bathroom or nauseous. All i want to do is have fun with my kids and then they wake up and i cant wait for Gavin to take his nap. He is so precious and i am missing everything.
My rash is so bad know that i have multiple bruises all over my legs because i am scratching so much. Ssince i cant sleep from all the itching i have been taking sleep meds that then make it difficult to get up in the morning or work out. Then i drag all day and it all starts again. My husband in his typical manly way tries to fix the problem and gives me his useful advice, "then just stop scratching." If i had more energy i might have punched him. He is trying so hard to support me, but doesn't understand all i am going thru. When i get upset he takes it personally, retreats, and tries to solve the problem. None is helpful, but then i have no idea what he is going thru either.
I am like a walking time bomb and no one knows when or why it will go off. Not sure if it is the meds, depression, or every ting else. Sammy is so frustrated with me and I used to be so sympathetic with her. Now all i do is snap at everyone. I just want to escape from everyone and everything, but at the same time be with everyone i love, especially Travis and the kids. If we could just take a month long vaca to an island with a nanny who will play with Gavin and we could watch.
I want to have an identity again. I cant tell you one thing i do anymore besides sleep, shit, and scratch and the sad thing is there is no end this time. If Chicago isn't the miracle i am hoping for than this is my life and so far it sucks. The best day i have had in a long time was shopping with a gift card all by myself the day after Christmas or reading what funny thing Temple wrote on my blog for the day. How sad it that, no offence Temp.
I could keep writing forever about my issues, but i think i am running out of space.
Sincerely,
The itchy RAT
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HI MACIEJ!
IT'S MARISA, I SAW LAURA ON HER BIRTHDAY. SHE GAVE ME YOUR BLOG ADDRESS. I'VE READ FROM THE BEGINNING, LAUGHED AND CRIED. COULDN'T SEE IF YOU LOGGED ON TODAY. I REMEMBER SOME REALLY FUN TIMES ME YOU AND LAURA HAD IN SANTA BARBARA LALAPALOOZA! IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW I'M GONNA POST A PICTURE OF THE THREE OF US IN THE JACUZZI AT THAT GUYS PARENTS HOUSE IN ISLA VISTA. I WILL BE FOLLOWING DIALY TO INCLUDE YOU IN MY PRAYERS. HERE IS MY PRAYER FOR YOU TODAY:
DEAR GOD ~ THE LADY READING THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, CLASSY, A GOOD MOTHER/WIFE, AND STRONG! HELP HER LIVE HER LIFE TO THE FULLEST. PLEASE PROMOTE HER AND HER CAUSE TO EXCEL ABOVE HER EXPECTATIONS. HELP HER SHINE IN THE DARKEST OF PLACES WHERE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LOVE. PROTECT HER AT ALL TIMES, LIFT HER UP WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU THE MOST AND LET HER KNOW WHEN SHE WALKS WITH YOU, SHE WILL ALWAYS BE SAFE. AMEN
No funnies today Laura. This post broke me and I'm just sitting here crying with you and for you. I am completely moved by your honesty and honored that you are willing to share the good, the bad and the ugly with those of us walking with you - but not in your shoes. I don't know what it's like to battle cancer. I only know what it's like to be a woman and a mom and a wife and a mother and I imagine the times I feel some of the things you mention (being short with my kids, not feeling well, feeling misunderstood by my husband, wanting to runaway yet wanting to be around the people I love) and try to combine them and magnify it all to even begin to grasp what you are experiencing. Ugh. I know as hard as I try, what I imagine is probably not even close to the reality of your world right now.
In regards to Chicago - traditionally, a lot of wonderful things have been sprung from there. Deep dish pizza. The Oprah Show. Obama. Wrigley Field. Roller skates. MacDonalds. Windowed envelopes. Twinkies. Zippers. Pinball. Crackerjacks. The largest cookie & cracker factory (Nabisco). The world's largest public library. Chicago (the band). Using celery in bloody mary's. Aunt Jemimah pancake mix. Wrigley gum. Automatic dishwashers. Ferris Wheels. Vacuum cleaners. Open Heart Surgery. Softball. Spray paint. That is some pretty good stuff...I'd say there would have to be a few more miracles & great discoveries lurking in that city and here's to hoping there is one with your name on it.
Hugs!
Laura,
Ditto to what Temple said. Also, Marisa's prayer for you was pretty great! If only I could write. I think possibly Temple should right a damn book with those skills or perhaps she could be the next Jerry Seinfeld sitcom writer or something.
Anyway, I too can't possibly begin to imagine what you and your family is going through and I sure hope and pray that Chicago will be the answer.
I am so very sad for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!!
T
Temple hit the nail on the head. I too was crying for you. I'm not sure that there is any funny anecdote to help, so I won't even try (even though that's my thing). Your honesty and candor shows you are human and can't always be the SUPERWOMAN we all have come to consider you.
I know any one of us would do anything in the world to take this pain and frustration away from you.
I have high hopes that your Chicago trip is going to make a world of difference in some great way!
Hugs & Kisses from Memphis - love Trishie
Dear Itchy Rat,
I wish we could send you and your family to an island with a nanny. Your sense of humor and enormous strength blow me away--if you didn't have days of feeling like a mean and itchy rat, you wouldn't be human.
Crossing my fingers for good news in Chicago.
Amy (Anderson)
Well tonight I will say amen to Marisa's prayer and I will also send the Old Irish blessing to you:
May The Road Rise To Meet You,
May The Wind Be Always At Your Back,
May The Sun Shine Warm Upon Your Face,
May The Rain Fall Soft Upon Your Fields,
And Until We Meet Again,
May The Lord Hold You In The Palms Of His Hands!
I mean this to be funny yet true....But if this is the first time you have felt like a caged Rat I am impressed, I unfortunatly feel the way you described every month when I PMS, minus the itching. I to am also known as a walking time bomb in my family around that time as well. So I can so relate to you in that catagory.
But Laura you will always have an identity, for to us you are "Laura The Great" and "Laura Vickers Ali" the greatest fighter I believed ever lived...
I hope things get better for you today Laura. Hang in there girlfriend!
Tears in my keyboard can't be good for it. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling today, it just isn't fair. Laura, you have an amazing identity (mother, wife, friend, daughter etc....) just look at all your past comments from friends and family. You are so loved and respected. Please try and remember:
"This too shall pass" & one day at a time.
Good Luck in Chicago. Temple said it so well about all the wonderful things from there: don't forget 'Da' Bears, The Cubs and the classic movie "About Last Night" Rob Lowe and Demi Moore.
Lots of prayers your way next week.
Hang in there, you are so strong!!
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